1. Buy bargain foods that turn out to be inedible. Baked goods marked “0 carbs” are a safe bet. Throw them away unfinished and feel guilty rooked.
2. Fall in love with a brand of cookie that comes with more protective packaging than a laptop. Think of the landfill you’re clogging every time you enjoy one and tell yourself it’s worth it, but don’t believe yourself.
3. Come home without the thing you went shopping for. Like your brain.
4. Forget how to tell if a fish if fresh or toxic. Serve it to guest, and then stay up all night accusing yourself of poisoning them.
5. Drop a jar of spaghetti sauce in the supermarket. Attention shoppers! Klutz on Aisle Four!
6. Think about killing the lonely old lady in front of you who is telling the cashier all about her hateful grandchildren in Decatur. What’s wrong with you?
7. Keep the whole line waiting while the cashier runs a price check. Now you’re no better than that lonely old lady.
8. Forget to get singles to tip the delivery boy. Ditz
9. Blow the delivery boy. It’s the lease you can do, lacking singles.
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