How am I paying attention?

Introduction

The key to learning to transfer Open-Focus awareness to everyday life is to stop and ask yourself “How am I now paying attention?” until that question grows to be second nature. The following questions are on inventory of the kinds of attention we need to learn to be aware of as we move into an Open Focus.

Guiding Question

How am I now paying attention?

Am I narrowly attending to visual objects and space?

Am I narrowly attending to hearing sounds and silence?

Am I narrowly attending to physical and emotional feelings and to feeling space?

Am I narrowly attending to smelling? And to tasting? And to the space in which they exits?

Am I narrowly attending to the internal silence in which internal dialogue occurs?

Am I narrowly attending to the space in which internal images occur?

Am I narrowly paying attention to my sense of nowness and timelessness, to experience of this moment?

Which of these senses are present in my narrow and immersed awareness?

Can I imagine narrowly objectifying and at the same time diffusely merging with the space in which my sensations occur?

Can I melt into and merge with the mind space and mind silence in which internal dialogue occur?

Can I become timelessness?

Can I pay attention to how I am paying attention at this moment?

How many senses are simultaneously available to me? And in how many senses is space available to me?

In which sensory modalities am I able to objectify and merge with the objects of sensation and the space within which they occur simultaneously?

Can I imagine identifying the attention style within which I am resting, that is, while I am attending to how I am attending?

Can I imagine letting foreground an background freely interchange my attention of interest in each sense modality?

Can I imagine what it would be like if I were already in the habit of paying attention to how I pay attention?

Can I imagine what it would be like if I were already resting in the process of attending to how I am attending more or less continuously?

Heart-Centred open-Focus

Introduction

The human heart is more than a mechanical pump that circulates blood throughout our body. With forty thousand neurons and an electrical field many times stronger than that produced by the brain, the heart can be said to have a powerful intelligence of its own. The heart’s elaborate network of neurotransmitters enables it to act independently of the brain. Some researchers believe that the heart can learn, remember, and produce feelings on its own. Emotional information sent from the heart to the brain has profound effects on higher brain functions, influencing our perceptions, thought processes, health, learning abilities, and especially our ability to feel compassion and empathy.

Anger, anxiety and depression stress the heart and are significant factors for heart disease. The notion of emotion pain leaving us with a “broken heart” seems to be true in a literal as well as metaphorical sense. Because of physiological connections between the brain and the heart, brain synchrony is as important to heart health as it is to brain health. The heart-centred open-focus exercise is reported to help the heart to recover from stress. Individuals, couples, and groups can benefit from practicing this heart-centred open-focus exercise.

Preparation Questions

Can you imagine sitting gently upright and balancing yourself over your hips with your eyes closed?

Can you imagine that your imagination happens freely and effortlessly?

Can you imagine that distance and volume are experienced the same way as space: like the space between your fingers, like the space your fingers occupy?

Can you imagine centring your foreground attention upon feeling and especially upon the feeling of space while including other sense experiences and their space in the surround or background of your attention?

Can you imagine centring your attention upon the feeling of space surrounding and penetrating through available feeling sensations?

Can you imagine that initially you may only be able to narrow focus upon the feeling of one body space at a time as mentioned in this exercise?

Can you imagine that will continued practice your attention will broaden with each question, adding together your separate experiences of the individual body spaces into a feeling of one whole space?

Can you imagine what it would feel like if you were already feeling the presence of your heart and the space it occupies and the space around and through your body?

Guiding Questions

Can you imagine not giving any particular efforts to listening to the questions or to achieving any of the associated images or experience? Can you image that the ideal response is whatever spontaneously happens to your multisensory imagery or experience when a particular question is asked? The nature of your experience naturally changes and deepens with continued practice. Can you imagine that you’re opening and expanding awareness of your emerging experience is a continuing process? Can you imagine giving emphasis to imagining the feeling of space?

Can you imagine the distance or space between your eyes?

Is it possible for you to imagine the space inside your nose as you inhale and exhale naturally?

Can you imagine your breath flowing behind your eyes as you inhale naturally?

Can you imagine the distance between your nose and your eyes?

Can you imagine space inside your throat as you inhale naturally?

Is it possible for you to imagine the space inside your throat and the space inside your nose?

Can you imagine the space inside your mouth and cheeks?

Is it possible for you to imagine the surface of your tongue?

Is it possible for you to imagine the entire region contained within your tongue – that is, can you imagine the volume of your tongue? That id, can you imagine the space your tongue occupies?

Can you imagine the space your teeth and gums occupy?

Can you imagine the volume of your lips? That is, can you imagine the space your lip occupies?

Is it possible for you to imagine the distance or space between your upper lip and the base of your nose?

Can you imagine the distance between the inside of your throat and the tip of your chin?

Is it possible for you to imagine the distance between the space inside of your throat and the space inside your ears?

Can you imagine the distance between the tip of your chin and the space inside your ears?

Can you imagine the space between your ears?

Can you imagine the space between the tip of your chin and your temples?

Can you imagine the distance between your temples?

Can you imagine the distance between the tips of your chin and the top of your head?

Can you imagine the distance between the tip of your chin and your cheekbones?

Can you imagine the space between your cheekbones?

Is it possible for you to imagine the space between the tip of your chin and your eyes?

Can you imagine the distance between the tip of your chin and the middle of your forehead?

Can you imagine the distance between the tip of your chin and the corners of your mouth?

Can you imagine the distance between the tip of your chin and your lower lip?

Can you imagine the distance between the corners of your mouth and your nostrils?

Can you imagine the volume of your entire jaw?

Can you imagine the distance between your nostrils?

Can you imagine the space inside of the bridge of your nose?

Can you imagine the distance between the space inside the bridge of your nose and your eyes?

Is it possible for you to imagine that the region around your eyes is filled with space?

Can you imagine the volume of your eyelids?

Can you imagine the distance between your eyelid and your eyebrows?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of your forehead?

Can you imagine the distance between the space inside the bridge of your nose and a point in the middle of your forehead?

Can you imagine the distance between the space inside the bridge of your nose and your hairline?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of the entire face simultaneously, including your ears, your jaw, your nose and you’re tongue, teeth, gums and lips?

Can you imagine at the same time the volume of your scalp?

Can you imagine that as you inhale naturally your breath fills the entire volume of your face and scalp and head, including your ears and jaw and eyes?

Can you imagine that as you exhale and as your breath leaves your body it leaves your face, scalp and head empty – that is, filled with space?

Can you imagine the space inside your throat expanding until your entire neck is filled with space?

Can you imagine the distance between the inside your neck and the tips of your shoulders?

Can you imagine the space inside your throat and neck expanding to fill the entire region of your shoulders?

Can you imagine the volume of your upper arms?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of your upper and lower arms simultaneously?

Can you imagine the volume of your arms, wrists and hands simultaneously?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of you thumbs?

Can you imagine the volume of your index finger?

Is it possible to imagine the space between your thumb and index finger on each hand?

Can you imagine the volume of your middle finger on each hand?

Can you imagine the space between your index finger and your middle finger on each hand?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of your ring finger on each hand?

Can you imagine the space between your ring finger and thumb on each hand?

Can you imagine the volume of your little fingers?

Can you imagine the space between your ring and little finger?

Can you imagine the space between your little finger and thumb on each hand?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of all of your fingers simultaneously and at the same time imagine the space between all of your fingers?

Can you imagine the volume of your shoulders, arms, hands and fingers and at the same time imagine feeling the space between your fingers and the distance or space between your arms?

Can you imagine that as you inhale naturally your breath fills your entire head, neck, shoulders, arms, hands and fingers and that as you exhale and as your breath leaves your body it leaves this entire region filled with space?

While remaining aware of the space inside this entire region, it is possible for you also to imagine the space around these regions – space around and between your fingers, space between your arms, space around your arms and shoulders and neck and head?

While remaining aware of the boundaries between the space inside and outside these regions, can you imagine the space freely permeating and flowing through these boundaries?

Can you imagine that as you continue to practice these Open-Focus exercises your experience will become more vivid and more effortless?

Can you imagine practicing this exercise at lease twice daily?

Personal Grooming Killers

Take an honest look at yourself and only tick the boxes if you are sure.

Breath	Is your breath fresh?
	Would anyone actually tell you if it was not?
Hair	Is your hair washed, ungreasy and in a modern style
	No wisps trying to cover up bald pates
Teeth	In reasonable order; fresh looking?
Facial hair	Carefully attended to, including ears and nostrils
	No unruly, unflattering, untrimmed, unshaven areas?
Chew gum	You don’t!
Cleanliness	Are your nails, face, hands, all visible areas well scrubbed?
Nails	Are these well-cared for, not bitten or chewed?
Dandruff	Non in evidence (there is no excuse these days)?
Skin	Fresh and healthy looking, not sallow, flaky or greying?

Where is Your Line in the Sand?

We all put up with lots of imperfections and annoying behaviours in our partners. The capacity to do this is usually a sign of personal strength, maturity, and love. But some behaviour is so profoundly unacceptable that they should never be tolerated, or at lease never tolerated more than once. When you draw a line in the sand, you are making a contract with yourself that you will absolutely leave this relationship under certain conditions. When you put it in writing, and you sign it, you are more likely to have the perspective and courage to follow through if the situation actually happens.
I have no choice but to leave my partner if he/she ever (cheats on me, hits me, abuses the children, lies to me about his/her gambling, makes another suicide attempt, visits child-porn sites, etc.)
1._________________________________________________________________________
2._________________________________________________________________________
3._________________________________________________________________________
In addition to these large obvious transgressions, I won’t put up with certain other behaviours. I will have no choice but to leave my partner if ever (stops talking to me for weeks on end, refuses to find a job, forbids me to talk on the phone with my friends or family, etc.)
1._________________________________________________________________________
2._________________________________________________________________________
3._________________________________________________________________________
　
______________________________ ____________________
          Your signature                                              Date

When He/She Blames You

In the exercise below, ask yourself about ways your partner tries to make you feel guilty or inadequate. Try to be honest with yourself. Are his/her criticisms completely justified? Are they totally from outer space? Are they somewhat true, but nowhere near as serious who knows both of you to help you get a reality check.
Then, based on your assessment, activate self-talk to put the complaint in perspective. Here are some examples:
On target:
From outer space:
True, but exaggerated: "okay, I see some of that, but he/she is trying to make this out to be my entire fault, and I will not accept that." "I refuse to take responsibility for his/her depression and unhappiness." "He’s/she right. This is something I really need to work on."

Does your depressed partner...	On target	From outer space	True, but exaggerated
Tell you that you expect too much from him/her?
Tell you that e wouldn’t be so depressed if you would just have more sex with him/her?
Accuse you of paying more attention to the kids than to him/her?
Criticize for you bringing up problems at the wrong time?
Criticize you for bringing up problems with the wrong language?
Consistently complain about how much you’ve changed for the worse over the course of the relationship?
Accuse you of making "suggestions" but denying that they are criticisms?

Self Critical thoughts and fears

This exercise helps you to stand back from your habitual thoughts and recognize what you are thinking. Engagr your soothing breathing rhythmbefore you begin. When you have filled in both columns of the chart, refocus your attention and try to balance your thoughts with some questions, being use to keep your tone kind and gentle.

External shame thoughts: How can I think others feel and view me	Internal shame thoughts: What I feel and think about myself
My key fear is:	My key fear is:

　
Kind and gentle question:
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Heads and Hands in Open Focus

This Open-Focus exercise is designed to begin unlocking some of the stress we carry in our head, neck, shoulders, arms, hands, and fingers. Our head and neck muscles are especially vulnerable to stress and tension because they are used prominently to support a chronic narrow-objective, gripping style of attention.

Preparation
Take a moment not to adjust your posture, sitting or standing, gently erect. Adopt a posture that you can maintain without the need for adjustment for the duration of the exercise. To the best of your ability, refrain from moving throughout the exercise, since this distracts one from building alternative style. Can you imagine letting your mind and body naturally and effortlessly respond to the following questions concerning your ability to imagine certain experiences? It is usually easier to imagine or realize the experience of space, with the eyes close.

Guiding Questions
Can you imagine not giving any particular effort to listening to the questions or to achieving any of the associated images or experiences? Can you imagine that the ideal response is whatever spontaneously happens to your multisensory imagery or experience will naturally change and deepen with continued practice? Can you imagine that you’re opening and expanding awareness of your emerging experience is a continuing process? Can you imagine giving emphasis to imagining the feeling of space?

Can you imagine the distance or space between your eyes?

Is it possible for you imagine the space inside your nose as you inhale and exhale naturally?

Can you imagine the distance between your nose and your eyes?

Can you imagine the space inside your throat as you inhale as you inhale naturally?

Is it possible for you to imagine the space inside your throat and the space inside your nose?

Can you imagine the space inside your mouth and cheeks?

Is it possible for you to imagine the surface of your tongue?

Is it possible for you to imagine the entire regions contained within your tongue – that is, can you imagine the volume of your tongue? That is, can you imagine the space your tongue occupies?

Can you imagine the space your teeth and gums occupy?

Can you imagine the volume of your lips? That is, can you imagine the space your lips occupy?

Is it possible you to imagine the distance or space between your upper lip and the base of your nose?

Can you imagine the distance between the inside of your throat and the tip of your chin?

Can you imagine the space inside your ears?

Is it possible for you to imagine the distance between the space inside your throat and the space inside your ears?

Can you imagine the distance between the tip of your chin and your temple?

Can you imagine the distance between your temples?

Can you imagine the space between the tip of your chin and the top of your head?

Can you imagine the distance between the tip of your chin and the back of your neck?

Can you imagine the space between the tip of your chin and your cheekbones?

Is it possible for you to imagine the space between the tip of your chin and your eyes?

Can you imagine the space between your eyes?

Can you imagine the distance between the tip of your chin and the middle of your forehead?

Can you imagine the distance between the tip of your chin and the corners of your mouth?

Can you imagine the distance between the tip of your chin and your lower lip?

Can you imagine the distance between the corners of your mouth and your nostrils?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of your entire jaw?

Can you imagine the distance between your nostrils?

Can you imagine the space inside the bridge of your nose?

Can you imagine the distance between the space inside the bridge of your nose and the back of your head?

Is it possible for you to imagine that the region around your eyes is filled with space?

Can you imagine the distance between your eyelids and your eyebrows?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of your forehead?

Can you imagine the distance between the space inside the bridge of your nose and a point in the middle of your forehead?

Can you imagine the distance between the space inside the bridge of your nose and your hairline?

Can you imagine at the same time the volume of your scalp?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of your entire face simultaneously including your ears, your jaw, your nose and your tongue, teeth, gums and lips?

Can you imagine that as you inhale naturally your breath fills the entire volume of your face and scalp, including your ears and jaw and eyes?

Can you imagine that as you exhale and as your breath leaves your body it leaves your face, scalp and head empty – that is, filled with space?

Can you imagine the space inside your throat expanding until your entire neck is filled with space?

Can you imagine the distance between the space inside your neck and the tips of your shoulders?

Can you imagine the space inside your throat and neck expanding to fill the entire region of your shoulders?

Can you imagine the volume of your upper arms?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of your upper and lower arms simultaneously?

Can you imagine the volume of your arms, wrist, and hands simultaneously?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of your thumbs?

Can you imagine the volume of your index finger?

Is it possible for you to imagine the space between your thumb and index finger on each hand?

Can you imagine the volume of your middle finger on each hand?

Can you imagine the space between your index finger and your middle finger on each hand?

Can you imagine the space between your middle finger and thumb on each hand?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of your ring finger on each hand?

Can you imagine the space between your middle and ring fingers?

Can you imagine the space between your ring finger and thumb on each hand?

Can you imagine the volume of your little finger?

Can you imagine the space between your ring and little finger?

Can you imagine the space between your little finger and thumb on each hand?

Is it possible for you to imagine the volume of all of your fingers simultaneously and at the same time imagine the space between all of your fingers?

Can you imagine the volume of your shoulders, arms, hands and fingers and at the same time imagine feeling the space between your fingers and the distance or space between your arms?

Can you imagine that as you inhale naturally your breath fills your entire head, neck, shoulders, arms, hands and fingers and that as you exhale and as your breath leaves your body it leaves this entire region filled with space?

While remaining aware of the space inside this entire region, is it possible for you also to imagine the space around these regions – space around and between your fingers, space between your arms, space around your arms and shoulders and neck and head?

While remaining aware of the boundaries between the space inside and outside these regions, can you imagine the space freely permeating and flowing through these boundaries?

Can you imagine that as you continue to practice these Open Focus exercises your experience will become more vivid and more effortless?

Can you imagine practicing this exercise at least twice daily?

Fast Reality

I am exploring the personal impact I make on people – that is, how I come across to you. Please be as frank as possible, scoring me on a 10-point scale by ticking each attribute.

	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10
FLUENCY – specks fluently and well
CONFIDENCE – willing to accept alternative views, open to challenges, not defensive, able to be spontaneous
PRESENCE – intensely alert to the present situation shows gravitas, maintains good eyes contact, demonstrates stature and substance
AUTHENTICITY – true to oneself, not putting on a front, reliable and dependable
COURAGE – willing to be different to challenge and question, to think outside the box, to take risks
PASSION - shares personal values, is energized, openly committed, enthusiastic, engages other people
DEMEANOUR – physical bearing well turned out, always looks stylish and distinctive

What do you think works well about how I come across to you?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What do you think works less well about how I come across to you? (Be honest. I won’t get upset – promise!)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Expanding Your Awareness of Visual Space

To provide a glimpse of how things in everyday life change as you change the way you pay attention, try the following exercise. As you continue to read this page, allow yourself to be aware of the three-dimensional physical space between your eyes and the words printed on the page. Let the awareness occur gradually as you continue reading. Because we are conditioned to sense only objects and exclude space, it may take some time for you to become aware of this visual sensation of physical space, once you do become aware of the space, pause for a few seconds as you gently maintain that awareness.

Now, without sifting your eyes from the page, gradually begin to sense the space that is to the right and to the left of the page. Let your peripheral field of vision widen spontaneously at its own page to take in that awareness. And once you develop that awareness, enjoy it for a few seconds.

Now allow your visual background to come forward, to become as important as your visual foreground. In other words, the whole page, the edges of the book, the table, the wall behind the book, can be made foreground simultaneously with the words you are reading. This too should be carried out effortlessly and naturally. It may seem difficult at first, but it is well within our capacity to focus in this way. Sit for a few seconds as you gently maintain this awareness, and allowing background and foreground to become equally important or interesting.

As you continue reading also include the appearance of space that surrounds your entire body. Allow time for this perception to take place as your visual awareness opens and broadens of the space between the lines you are reading, even as you continue to read. Also bring into your awareness the space between the letters of the words. Your awareness of visual space can continue to expand effortlessly while your awareness of letters, words and concepts continues.

As you continue to allow your awareness to open and become more inclusive, you may notice subtle alterations in your reading experience. Your understanding of what you are reading may become easier to read the words. Thoughts of things related to what you are reading may float effortlessly through your mind. Perhaps your hand supporting the book feels more relaxed. Breathing may come more easily. You may discover that muscles in your face or neck have started to loosen somewhat or that you your position in the chair has become more comfortable. You may feel more whole or unified. You may also feel rising up some mildly unpleasant feelings that have been repressed by the sustained act of narrow focusing.

If you notice even small changes during the reading exercise, you have begun to experience some of the benefits of open focus. It may seem strange, even uncomfortable at first, for we all have learned to pay narrow and effortful attention to what we can understand, analyze, and do something about what we read. That idea is so ingrained that many of us have become unaware of the mental and physical stress and fatigue that accompany this constant gripping. Our eyes grip the words; our minds grip the concepts, while our fingers may literally clutch the book. But we don’t need this level of effort merely for reading. By comparison, Open Focus releases effortful attention and allows us to spend just the right amount of effort, rather than chronically ever doing it. A precise, relaxed, yet interested attention – a lightly held narrow – objective attention amid a diffuse immersed background of space – is maintained, while tension and stress diffuse and dissolve.

This exercise can be used while doing almost anything, from riding the subway to talking on the telephone to cooking to working on the computer. Stopping what you are doing and becoming you aware of your peripheral vision of space and the space between you and the objects around you is a way to begin incorporating Open Focus into everyday life.

Dissolving Pain

Introduction

Once you have learnt to move into Open-Focus awareness, it becomes possible to use your attention to dissolve physical and emotional pain. In Open-Focus your pain is a much smaller part of your total awareness; it becomes no big deal and is easy to accept and therefore easy to dissolve. This exercise teaches you how to move closer to pain in a broadened awareness until the pain diffuses and disappears. Simply accepting the feeling of pain while resting in Open-Focus is often enough to dissolve the pain.

Preparation
Sit quietly, accepting potential distractions. If you have pain – a headache or muscle tension or anxiety – allow yourself to become aware of its location in your body and then feel into the pain as openly and directly as you can, without resisting it. Dissolving pain can be accomplished only after you have precisely located the feeling in your body.

1: The sense inventory
Gently do a mental inventory of the perceptions of all your senses. Attend, for example, to your sense of hearing. Be aware of sounds while equally and simultaneously attending to the silence between the sounds travel towards you through three-dimensional space. Let this awareness deepen for a few seconds.
Now add vision, noticing the space and objects that you seeing or visualizing (if your eyes are closed).
Be aware of any tastes, including the taste of space. Let this experience deepen for a few seconds.
Add an awareness of your thoughts and the mental silence from which they emerge, the silence in which they exist, and the silence in they dissolve.

Now add awareness of a sense of nowess, the feeling that you are in the present, experiencing all of your sense existing in present space, silence, and timelessness simultaneously.

In the centre of this diffuse attention is the sense of feeling, which includes the felt presence of your body, the feeling of absence we call space your body occupies. The more we increase the sense of the simultaneous presence of all our senses in space, centred in feeling, the more we deepen diffuse attention and the Open-Focus experience.
　
　
　
2: Expanding and dissolving the pain
Can you imagine centring this expanded awareness on your pain? Now can you imagine feeling the space around the pain and feeling the space in which they exist?

Now allow your awareness to diffuse through the pain, feeling the pain more. Alternatively, let the diffuse through your awareness. Bathe in the pain. Let the pain diffuse by feeling it more – not less. Let pain spread through surrounding areas of the body and into space. Don’t try to make the pain spread. It will naturally diffuse as you acceptance of feeling it is more pervasive.

You’ve increased the breath of your awareness and allowed the pain to become a small part of that expanded awareness. The pain no longer encompasses all of your awareness if it’s a small part and it’s no big deal. Expanding your focus allows you to be more comfortable with moving into your pain, to feel the pain, to feel the pain more. Understandably, most people try to avoid their pain. Yet what actually makes the pain overwhelming is our narrow focus on it, which allows the pain to dominate our awareness. When we open up our awareness, our pain becomes a small part of the totality of our experience and feels less threatening. It’s no longer scary to merge with it and let it diffuse into surrounding body and space.

The goal of this exercise is to open our awareness and dive into and through the centre of the pain and then let the awareness of pain float in an open and inclusive awareness where it can dissolve. If the pain doesn’t completely and immediately dissolve, dive back into its care. Some people can dissolve their pain in one or two passes, while others require more.

We can also dissolve our pain as we carry out daily activities by maintaining a feeling sense of space and other sensations in and around our pain as we talk on the phone, shop for groceries, prepare meds, and so forth. We don’t recommend – in fact we caution against – practicing Open-Focus and dissolving-pain exercises while operating any vehicle or in potentially harmful conditions.
　

Compassionate Self Correction

This exercise helps you to substitute compassionate self-correction for shame-based, self-attacking criticism.
Remember the key differences. When you have made a mistake, or done something wrong, self-attacking criticism leads to shame, avoidance and fear, and you feel angry and aggressive towards yourself. Compassionate self-correction, on the other hand, kindly and calmly engages with guilt; you feel sorrow and remorse, and then make appropriate reparation.
Be sure to acknowledge and understanding of your feelings, focus on your strengths and good experiences, generate self-supportive thoughts, and think about the specific behaviour you would like to change with compassionate support from yourself, for yourself.

Shame-based, self-attacking criticism	Compassionate self-correction

　
　

Compassionate Alternative Thoughts

This exercise gives you a chance to think of, and write down, some compassionate alternative to shy thoughts.

Shy thoughts	Compassionate Alternatives

Assessing the Impact on You

Your life with your depressed partner may be affected negatively in a number of different ways. Te carts below, divided into the three main areas, list questions you can ask yourself to make sure you understand yourself and what is happening. Place a check mark in the column for each question indicating not at all, a little, or a lot.
This is not a test with certain cut off scores. If you answer "a lot" to any of these, it is important simply to be aware of it and possibly to take some action to deal with it. The action part comes next. But first, the self-assessment.

Changes in your personal behaviour	Not at all	A little	A Lot
Has anyone told you that you seem different lately?
Does it seem like you’re not performing as well at work, with your kids, or in any other areas of your life?
Do you feel like you are "walking on eggshells" around your partner?
Ave you had to make changes in your life to accommodate your partner’s moods or behaviour changes?
Cutting back on work?
Changing your social life or activities?
Withdrawing from friends?
Keeping the kids away from your partner at times?
Sleeping more or sleeping less?
Lifestyle changes because of financial setbacks?
Have the basic patterns around the house, such as morning routines or mealtimes, become more disorganized?

Recognizing your thoughts and feelings	Not at all	A little	A lot
How did you feel when you realized that your partner was depressed?
Worried?
Sad?
Guilty?
Angry?
Embarrassed?
Other _______________________________________?
Have your feelings changed? How did you feel about it right now?
Worried?
Sad?
Guilty?
Angry?
Embarrassed?
Other _________________________________________?
Does it seem that to you that this is not the man you thought you were getting involved with?
Do you feel trapped or resentful?
Do you resent the way he/she as become more dependent on you?
Do you worry that your actions will just make the situation worse?
Are you worrying about what’s going to happen in the future?
Are you feeling more distracted and finding it difficult to concentrate?
Do you have escape fantasies, like just wanting to walk out the door and never come back?
Do you worry that your partner can’t be trusted to be responsible for your kids?
Have you lost your feeling of being attracted to your partner?

Relating to others	Not at all	A little	A lot
Are you keeping all of your feelings to yourself?
Do you find yourself covering for your partner when others are concerned or upset with him/her?
Do you feel you have neglected other family members because of the depression?
When you talk to other people, does it seem like they often tell you that you’re just worrying too much?
Does it bother you when friends or family tell you how to fix the problem (as if you haven’t thought of these ideas yourself)?
Are you flirting more with other men?