Assessing the risks of seeking an apology

Select an emotional hurt for which you have not, as yet forgiven the perpetrator, and ask yourself the following questions. If you cannot think of a real hurt, imagine one that you could possibly get some time from someone you know.

Tick the box if your answer is or would be ‘Yes”:

            Do you think the perpetrator has sufficient self-awareness to be able to understand what he or she has done?

            Have they shown by their past behavior that they can admit their faults?

 

            Is your own current level of emotional resilience good enough to withstand rejection or another hurt.

3 ticks – low risk; 2 ticks – medium risk; 1 or 0 ticks – high risk.

Reflection on the offender’s behaviour

Looking back now, do you think the offender tried to gain your trust in order to abuse you?

Do you think he or she tried to isolate you from others?

Did he or she try to undermine your relationship with other family members or your peers?

Did the burden of secrecy about the abuse make you withdraw or isolate yourself from others in the family?

Did he or she try to make you believe the abuse was your fault or that you encouraged it?

Exercise writing down your goals

In your journey, write down goals you have achieved in the past and remind yourself of your ability to change. For example, “I stopped biting my nails.” “I stopped smoking.” “I have managed to end other relationships in the past.” “I left a terrible job.”

Now write down what it is you want to achieve. For example:

·         I want to live with people who care about me.

·         I want to feel safe confident.

·         I want to eat three average size meals a day.

·         I want to work a maximum of forty hours a week.

Exercise to help fill the vacuum

Make a list in your journey of things that you would like to do that could replace some of the feelings you may miss from your old pattern. Think of some of the things you may be able to do to replace those feelings. When you start to miss some of the feelings associated with an old habit or behavior, read through this list and plan ways of doing some of them.

Timeline Exercise

This exercise can be written or drawn. It may be a particularly useful exercise for those who can’t remember parts of their lives – a timeline will show you where the gaps are.

You can always go back and fill in the gaps at a later stage, if you remember things later. Take a large sheet of paper and draw a long line – straight or curved, depending on the paper size, with perhaps your birth at one end and your age now at the other end. You could extend this, if you wish and add influences from before you were born; for example, details about your parents and/or grandparents lives. Mark your age from when you were born to the age you are now along the timeline and begin writing or drawing symbols that represent certain landmarks in your life.

1968 – Born

1970 – Age 2. Brother born.

1971 – Age 3. Mum and dad split up.

1972 – Age 4. Had a special birthday cake.

1973 – Age 5. Didn’t like mum’s boyfriend.

1974 – Age 6. Stepfather and stepbrothers moved in.

1975 – Age7. Moved house again.

1977 – Age 9. Abuse begins. Couldn’t bear the sight of sausages and eggs.

1978 – Age 10. Won award. Nice teacher.

1979 – Age 11. Began shoplifting. Develop eczema.

1980 - Age 12. Caught drinking at school.

1982 – Age 14. In detention a lot at school.

1983 – Age 15. First time had “wanted” sex. Aunty Tilly visited – She was nice to me.

1984 – Age 16. Began an after school job.

1987 – Age 19. Moved into a flat – Great to be able to stay up late at night.

1988 – First Child.

1990 – Second child.

1993 – Age 25. Partner left.

1993 – Age 25. Started dealing with the abuse etc.

You might like to use colours or symbols to indicate happy/unhappy/sad/angry/frustrated periods of your life.

In reviewing your timeline, think about what got you through the difficult parts of your life – and how you survived those times.